I'll get to what the title means later, but now time for a quick update.
I'm not quite sure where I left off, but here is where I am now: Colorado. I am staying with my sister (and as soon as he gets back from training, her boyfriend). Basically, I couldn't make it work in Thief River Falls, so I shipped out here to see if I could find a job. In a couple days I will have been here for 2 weeks, and I have only had 1 interview. I'm not going to go there right now, because I feel bad enough about that already.
What is it like? Well ... it's different. Weather is nice, although its shifty. Their apartment is nice, although they have some neighbors that make it kinda unsettling at times. The town is big - biggest I have been in besides Minneapolis. They have, like 2 Forts, an air force base, and an air force academy all in this one region, so its packed to the gills. Lots of opportunity, apparently. It's hard for me to get optimistic about it here. Unfortunately, that part of me has been on a steady decline since summer. I'm just a little homesick ... and especially friend-sick, I miss them all so much. I mean, it is nice that I have Steph and all of that, but I'm lonely for a little friendship.
That is kind of what Searchlights is about. The other night I went outside to walk Allie (Steph's dog) and there was some flashes in the sky. When I looked harder I could see that it was really beams of light circling in the sky; searchlights. I couldn't help but think how appropriate that was at the moment. I mean, here I am, and all I am doing here is searching. For a job, for a life, for a reason to stay, and on a deeper level, searching for me among all this.
And to be honest, I haven't even caught a glimpse of it here yet. I'm not saying that it will never come, but right now, my semi-misery outshines my optimism. I have always considered myself a pretty glass half-full kind of girl. Lately, it has been looking kind of on the empty side. Although it does make me grateful. Grateful for what I have, and what I did have.
It seems like the lean time of my life, and this time is no exception, have made one thing clear to me: If I am ever going to be happy, I need to have theatre in my life. In the past 5 years, the only times I have been truly, ecstatically happy, is when I am working on theatre. It's not all that makes me happy, but it is the one thing that makes me happy without a flip side. It is like that is my real home, my true love, my reason. Nothing has ever made me feel so good before, or just plain Feel more. I know that there are a lot of people out there who aren't living their dreams, and that is a sacrifice that you sometimes have to make in life. But to me, everyone needs a reason to live. Sometimes that centers around a person, and sometimes it is a purpose. I haven't found the person in my life who is my reason (although, if I could find a love with another person as strong as I find it in theatre, I would be the happiest, most complete person in the world); I have found theatre. I'll do what I have to to sustain my life because that is something you have to do, but theatre is my reason for doing it. They are lucky; no, blessed; people indeed who can marry the two.
Aside from not having theatre, I don't even have someone to share that with. I never realized just how strong a bond a common interest is. Most of my best friends are in theatre, and those who aren't all about theatre, at least understand, appreciate, and support my love for it, and for that, I love them all the more. Just having someone around who understands and relates to how I feel helps. So, I feel so alone here. I miss having those theatre chats with my friends, telling our stories and sharing our passion together.
I do hope that if I do stay here, that I will find someone who I can share this with. There are theatre opportunities here, and I LONG to be apart of it. I emailed every name and every group I could find information on, and I am just waiting to hear something back. Especially with the threat of not being able to come back for the next fun-filled Summer Stock at the PBP, I need something.
Sorry, I kinda strayed there. Anyways ... back to the figurative mode.
Relief will be a welcome sight right now. I just need a little boost in the hope department. So, I'm sitting here with my little flashlight, pointing it to the heavens, signaling the sky. I'm calling my SOS, and praying that someone will see my light, take pity, and respond soon.
Anyone out there?