Figured it out. Well, not "It" - but at least a portion of the puzzle of "It"
"It" is simply what my Problem is. There have been a lot of theories, and I guess a fair portion of them are a part of the Problem. I don't think it is any one single, large thing, so much as a lot of little annoyances that culminate into the big Problem.
What I am focusing on tonight is this: I'm just scared.
I am so nervous/worried/frightened of ... so many things - not your normal fears - but strange things.
I think what it boils down to is fear of inconveniencing, bothering, annoying, frustrating, angering, or disappointing others.
This fear rules my life. It is the reason for the apologizing, for the jumping out of the way, for the way I try to be cautious about everything I say, think, or do (although most often I fail there).
What makes this worse is that I have a wonderful playback memory when it comes to my faults. I can see those things quite clearly. Or at least, I think I do - but they aren't always clear enough for me to heed the "danger" warnings in my head. Which I proved tonight.
I won't go into it.
The problem is, I am stuck with the knowledge of what I do and what I say - and I have to live that down. I am my own worst enemy here. I know people get frustrated with me, but that is normally only a fraction of what I feel towards myself. I have always been that socially awkward girl. The person who just doesn't get it. The one who, for some reason, can't catch on quick enough. It makes me dumb, it makes me boring, it makes me scared.
Tonight I talked to a friend about things that didn't need to be talked about - things that should have been left unshared. I knew it would be bad going in, so why did I continue? Because I felt I had to apologize - and I couldn't apologize without an explanation. And there was a part of me that was sure that saying these things would help me to feel better.
And now I feel so bad. I know I annoyed them because of my inabilities. I can't express myself well - my linguistics are pathetic, really, and I know how important it is to choose your words carefully. So, I try and do that - but instead I just end up fumbling and mumbling and making an idiot out of myself. Which tends to lead people to believe that I am not sincere. I wish they could FEEL what I do in those moments. If I could just translate what I am feeling into what I am saying to these people, they would now how much it means to me. And the worst part is that I can't apologize for this, because that would only annoy them more.
The people around me here are so important to me because, somehow - despite these faults - they still care about me. I don't want to sound like I am assuming too much, but I do like to think that some of them even love me. I don't understand why they do or why they would - because someone who is as terribly stupid as I can often be, is worth little and is often more trouble than their little worth. And I am scared that one day they are going to realize that.
I can not express, in any way, how much their friendship and their love means to me. Someone else might have the words, the ability to do this, but I fail. And I am scared of this failure. What happens if I can't ever find a way to tell them how much I love them in return properly? I can try to tell them, but, I would make a mistake and find someway that this expression of my feelings might be misconstrued.
And the fear takes over again.
I am so tired of this fear.