Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Somethings different about that girl ...

Something has changed. I know what it is; I have a mental list, but, for the life of me, I don't know why. And I can't figure it out.
A normal person would accept this change ... correction, a normal person wouldn't probably notice this change ... but I have never claimed to be normal - and well - not only do I notice the change, but like everything else, I am probably going to over-analyze this. I already am. I should like this mysterious shift, but its one of those things that makes me a little uneasy - like you are whenever something changes in your life.
Lately, I've been in an uncommonly good mood. I've always been peppy, but this is different. I'm Feeling really good about myself. Lately compliments have been flowing from people, and I've been taking them (at least more so than I usually do). This is a narcisistic, but when I look in the mirror, there are times I think to myself "I look kinda good". I have started to "let go" a little and just have some fun when I'm hanging out with others. I've started singing kareoke again (although, after the disaster at Cattails, I may renig on that). I've started to be more comfortable in my own skin around others - especially my peers and my superiors. I'm apologizing a lot less now (the impulse is still there, but I am learning to curb it, especially around certain people). But most of all, and this is the big one, I have started to think that I am somewhat good at what I do. I even had this as my Facebook status: "Teresa Rankin ... is a better props designer than Jesus. Why? Because I can turn water into Brandy, Vodka, Whiskey, Rum, and 2 different types of wine." That was pretty ballsy of me.
I know that list looks a little pathetic, but - hey, these things are big steps to me. I'm an incredibly modest person; the last one who would ever praise themselves or their work. This has its advantages. No one has ever been able to accuse me of being a snob or a know it all, and in general, people seem to like my humbleness. I think I will always carry that feeling of being in someone's way - and I don't mind that feeling, because it helps me be more aware of my surroundings and be more considerate to others.
What I am afraid of, is that this will get to me or it will be one of those "one step forward, two steps back" things. For every high there is a low, and I worry what will happen when I get my comeuppance. The other worry is that this will change me - for the worse. I have people who love me the way I am - and I don't want to change that. There is a thin line between having more confidence and having false confidence, and I don't know where the line is. What if I have already stepped over it? How will I know?
The other thing is: people around me here are so nice to me. More nice than I deserve. I'm not saying they are not sincere, or that they would lie to me (even kindly), but I worry sometimes that they're not telling me everything. They're so kind and so considerate that I fear their critiques of me are ... obscured(?). So how will I know, how do I know the answer to all my questions - like "how can I do better?"
And yes, even though I am taking compliments more, I still feel a little bad about it sometimes. All the love and thanks the tech crew has been getting lately is wonderful, but I don't deserve to be included in those things. Karn and Adam are working their asses off and they still find time to do all the little extra things that fall to them. Emily - I can't even begin to describe how amazing she is - and she has no help at all! Barry comes and goes, but gets his shit done in less than three days. I give him a lot of credit because, unlike the rest of us, he can only do his work inbetween shows. I just don't live up to their level of awesomeness. Anyone can do what I do. Not that I am not grateful to even be grouped together with these people - and I still do recognize that I must be doing something right this year, because everything is feeling so good.
Will the ball drop? God, I hope not.

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