I'm Tired of Trying, and intro to: I'm Poor, but I Wanna Get Married!

Just a quick update on everything before I get to the title stuff:
Playhouse: Good; although audience attendance has been lower this summer. Thanks in part to MN government. Tourist rates are way down, ask any retailer, so down goes audience numbers too. But the shows have been great. Bumps along the way as always, but overall good. 'The Full Monty' is showing now, and we've got AMAZING reviews :D
Other: still find myself at the end of the summer season with next to no money and no place to live. I do still have a job at Luekens, thank God, and I do have a backup place to live (with Ahren) until we can find/afford something in Bemdiji. Still searching, but nothing yet :S Getting VERY worried.
Ahren: He's amazing. He had a bad bout with, not one, but three, illnesses and an enlarged spleen. Still recovering, but he has an appointment scheduled to see if he can return to his regular work soon. Fingers crossed.
On to the rest:

First thing, I don't want to whine, but I am so tired of trying SO HARD to be one of the cool kids. I know, I know, I shouldn't try to be anything I am not, and just embrace myself as I am. Well, that is true. I don't want to not be who I am, but I would like to be included now and then. Feel like one of the crowd, apart of the gang. Actually, no, I take that back. I am apart of the Gang; I'm just that kid that no one likes very much in the crowd. This isn't to say that I want to be the center of attention or anything. I certainly don't want that, I couldn't handle that. I don't have the chops or the personality for that. Maybe that's it. Maybe I have to have the overwhelming personality like so many of the people I see around me. Maybe; I don't know. Did I miss that day in school? Why am I such an idiot? WHY can't I be cool?!?! Maybe I am asking too much. I don't know. I would be completely downtrodden by this if it weren't for Ahren. He's my savior. I don't have to try so hard with him. Its natural. He feels the same way about me. Before we had each other, we felt so out of place in the world. You can have a lot of friends and a great family, but you can still be an outsider. That's me - and that was him. He says that with me, he finally feels like a somebody. I understand exactly how he feels. But now, he is more than a Somebody - he is my Everything. My best friend, my Soul Mate ...

You'll have to pardon me, I'm emotional. That time, you know ;I I go through this all the time. My hormones take me on a wild journey of emotions. Ahren takes it all in stride, thank God. It's really nice actually. Now I have someone to hold my hand when I hear a sad song on the radio and the tears flow. I have someone to join in when I'm on the up and up, and he lets my mind just go wherever it wants. He seems to enjoy some of it, actually. God, I love him!

Speaking of all things Ahren:

Wedding. We picked a date: Sept. 14, 2012!

We've got a little over a year before it happens, but to be honest, I have no idea how we are going to make this happen. I have to vent a little frustrations right now, if you don't mind. Skip on down if you don't want to hear about any of this. (Sorry folks, this is my therapy): So, we've got no money, no prospect of saving a lot, no chance of winning the lottery. We both come from mid to low income families, and we both have low to mid income jobs. I have a HUGE stack of bills and cranky creditors. But amid all of this, Ahren and I have found each other, and we want to get married. WHAT DO WE DO?!?! We could elope ... but no, that costs money. We could just go to the courthouse - but NO, having our family and friends there is INCREDIBLY important to us. So ... well, we're going for an actual wedding. Only problem is: we have to majorly skimp on EVERYTHING. We're realistic and practical, so we don't want anything extravagant, but the line between standard and extravagnat is now in question. The most important thing on that day is that we get married. Everything else is going to have to be extra. My only worry is that I will be shorting our guests.

So how are we going to do this? One day at a time ;) I might have a few venting sessions occassionally, but above everything else, I am just so glad that I found someone who wants to share the rest of their life with me! I am SO BLESSED! I may not be much, and I may not have much in this world, but someone loves me :D

Any subsequent blogs with the 'I'm Poor, but I Want to get Married' are going to be about me figuring out how to do things on a low, low, low budget. So low, that we can't even create a budget. Read the next part for more information!