A lot of people could take a little hint from this chapter.
How to behave in public by Emily Post.
Please keep in mind that a lot of these rules existed from courtesy and for the protection of a lady in a different time - a beautiful time when there was horse-drawn carriages and ladies wore long gowns to the opera.
*this one is a little complex- but only a little. When walking, a gentlemen takes the curb side of the pavement, even if he is with more than one woman. But this is only on the street. When in the car, at the theatre, a concert, or at church, he can where he likes unless they have aisle seats, in which case, he will assume the "curb side"
* Don't Attract Attention! Not to attract attention to oneself in public is one of the fundamental rules of good breeding. More people need to learn this, I think.
*this I find interesting - (back in the day) if you got lost in the crowd, instead of calling out a name to find your friends (which is bad breeding), just hold your hat over your head so the friends can recognize it and find you.
* Bundles: A man will not carry bundles for his lady. He is a man, not a clothes rack. A fine gentleman will offer to help with boxes, golf clubs, maybe even an umbrella. But carrying a clothes is not something men are prepared to do nowadays.
* Offering an arm: Here are a couple rules: a man offers his arm to a lady on any occassion when she may need his support - Not during the day, but always at night - when he is her escort at a ball, a dinner, or a wedding.
* Teej Tip: Speaking of wedding - ushers always offer their arms to the ladies of the party they are seating - if there is more than one lady, choose the eldest, and if there is no appearable age difference choose the one who is first in the party.
* Quick tips - helping a lady: in a car, man out first, offer hand to lady - into a car, man open door, put hand under elbow lady, help her in, get in after - dangerous footing areas, man go first, help lady - in general, a man only precedes the lady when the way is uncertain, or getting out of a vehicle.
* Keep in mind: these actions overdone ... are very bad; but applied with taste, they can be very enhancing.
* Place of honor is on the right. Rules about this have relaxed a little, but it is still prefered to seat a guest of honor on your right. It is the seat of distinction.
* The Question of Paying. In simplest terms the rules of to pay or not to pay rest in the common courtesy and the treat. A man should offer to pay for things if the guest is there at their invitation. However, personal items are not included, ladies. On other occassions, a man is not expected to pay. If he offers, it is expected that his guest should accept and thank him. Although refusing is okay, and keep in mind that no one likes to constantly be indebted to others.
* Teej Tip: Rule of Three - especially in paying. No arguments beyond three retorts! The offer, the counter, the counter-counter. Beyond that, it becomes an arguement and the likelyhood of someone being angered. **This is one of the rules, I have trouble with myself**
* In a public place like a beach or a park, you should do your best to not crowd people, stay out of traffic, and tidy up before leaving.
* simply put - do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
Showing posts with label Etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Etiquette. Show all posts
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Etiquette: Conversations
This is an area I am disadvantaged in. I am a terrible conversationist. Mostly it depends on the person, but in general, after so long, I just don't know what to say. Especially if I keep getting one word answers. That aside, here is what Emily Post has to say on the subject. Keep in mind, that the type of conversations she describes in this book are not private conversations. This advise is aimed more towards party and general society.
* Ideal conversation should be an exchange of thought. This one is pretty straight forward.
* Stop, Look, Listen! Now, if you are thinking this is beginning to sound like an afterschool special, I thought so too. In general, it boils down to think before you speak, and listen to what the other person has to say. Like the first rule, this is an exchange - not a monolougue, so listening is KEY!
* watch your bragging! Doting mothers take notice. Praise is okay in small amounts, but overdoing it will more than likely cause irritation.
* a person of silence is generally more respected than a blabber. Greatly paraphrased, but the thought it there.
* Once is effective, twice is boring. Unfortunately, the golden rule of three does not apply here. Please, try not to repeat yourself unless requested to do so.
* of course, the golden rule still applies: do not talk religion or politics!
* Humor should be light but unmalicious! Wit is good, but it needs to be kept in check.
*Go fishing for topics. This was something I already knew: throw out questions which will catch the other person in the conversation.
* this one I didn't really think about: Conversation is not a race that must be continued at a breakneck pace. Silence is not something to be scared of, again, in small amounts. There is such a thing as the long, awkward silence, but you know those when they come.
* Best to begin with a description of yourself at the introduction. Include items which will lead to conversations - job information, hobbies, etc
*Best/Most Stereotypical Advice: When talking to a man, ask his opinion on something, anything. When talking to a woman ask her about the "relative values of the things people do or think or try for." - basically anything about life, love, work, or amusement.
* Choose topics that appeal to you, but don't be too intense. This is a lesson that I have yet to learn.
* General something to keep in mind: conversations should be pleasant and agreeable! Keep personal remarks out - unless it is proper and pleasant -and be tactful! Also, don't "air your dirty laundry in public" Society is an agreeable place, so keep it that way.
* Definition of a bore: someone who insists on telling you, at length, something you don't want to hear about at all.
So those are Post's words of wisdom. I guess it is nothing new. Everyone knows these general rules, but seldom think of them. I've got the "listen" part down pretty good, and when I listen to people talking to each other, I hear every blunder, every wrong, every mistake. I am a go-betweener. When there is war in conversation, even a hint, I jump in and try to navigate around it. When there is a misunderstanding, I translate. All of this in the hopes of making life smoother. However, when it comes to my own conversations, I blunder constantly. I'd like to think that I don't hurt anyone's feelings, but there is, and always will be people that you just naturally rub the wrong way. There are also people who will never be on the same page with you - and those are the ones that you have to wonder if it is even worth talking to them at all. But there is something this chapter has not taught me, that I think I can add. So, here is my Teej Tip:
* Keep in mind that everyone is worth talking to. Actually, it is more like listening to. People are incredible, and really listening to what they have to say will teach you amazing things.
* Ideal conversation should be an exchange of thought. This one is pretty straight forward.
* Stop, Look, Listen! Now, if you are thinking this is beginning to sound like an afterschool special, I thought so too. In general, it boils down to think before you speak, and listen to what the other person has to say. Like the first rule, this is an exchange - not a monolougue, so listening is KEY!
* watch your bragging! Doting mothers take notice. Praise is okay in small amounts, but overdoing it will more than likely cause irritation.
* a person of silence is generally more respected than a blabber. Greatly paraphrased, but the thought it there.
* Once is effective, twice is boring. Unfortunately, the golden rule of three does not apply here. Please, try not to repeat yourself unless requested to do so.
* of course, the golden rule still applies: do not talk religion or politics!
* Humor should be light but unmalicious! Wit is good, but it needs to be kept in check.
*Go fishing for topics. This was something I already knew: throw out questions which will catch the other person in the conversation.
* this one I didn't really think about: Conversation is not a race that must be continued at a breakneck pace. Silence is not something to be scared of, again, in small amounts. There is such a thing as the long, awkward silence, but you know those when they come.
* Best to begin with a description of yourself at the introduction. Include items which will lead to conversations - job information, hobbies, etc
*Best/Most Stereotypical Advice: When talking to a man, ask his opinion on something, anything. When talking to a woman ask her about the "relative values of the things people do or think or try for." - basically anything about life, love, work, or amusement.
* Choose topics that appeal to you, but don't be too intense. This is a lesson that I have yet to learn.
* General something to keep in mind: conversations should be pleasant and agreeable! Keep personal remarks out - unless it is proper and pleasant -and be tactful! Also, don't "air your dirty laundry in public" Society is an agreeable place, so keep it that way.
* Definition of a bore: someone who insists on telling you, at length, something you don't want to hear about at all.
So those are Post's words of wisdom. I guess it is nothing new. Everyone knows these general rules, but seldom think of them. I've got the "listen" part down pretty good, and when I listen to people talking to each other, I hear every blunder, every wrong, every mistake. I am a go-betweener. When there is war in conversation, even a hint, I jump in and try to navigate around it. When there is a misunderstanding, I translate. All of this in the hopes of making life smoother. However, when it comes to my own conversations, I blunder constantly. I'd like to think that I don't hurt anyone's feelings, but there is, and always will be people that you just naturally rub the wrong way. There are also people who will never be on the same page with you - and those are the ones that you have to wonder if it is even worth talking to them at all. But there is something this chapter has not taught me, that I think I can add. So, here is my Teej Tip:
* Keep in mind that everyone is worth talking to. Actually, it is more like listening to. People are incredible, and really listening to what they have to say will teach you amazing things.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Etiquette: Words, Phrases, and Pronunciation pt 2
To continue:
Slang: an "evil" fact of language. Coarse of profane language should never be excused, but other slang is so commonplace that it has become part of our language. But as with many things, it is all about how you say it. Basically, according to Mrs. Post, slang, in order to be acceptable, should be "fresh and applicable"
Little fact I am sure you didn't know: Emily Post was learned in diction. Not just diction, but accents. Her section on the accent is really an interesting read, and her depiction of territorial accents was pretty spot. Her best advice regarding accents can be boiled down to 2 rules: #1: if you are going to mimic the London/English accent, you should not do so with single words, but with your entire speech patterns. #2: One should not adopt french words into one's speech, but in the case of a french word becoming adopted into Americanized speech (like bouquet, chauffeur, garage, menu, etc), the very least we need to do is pronouce it correctly. My favorite example is vaudeville - which is properly pronounced as voad-veal. Who knew?? She also has the very opinionated belief that if we can not spell the word with our alphabet, we should not use it. So, anything with a little accent over the top, or something like that, is out. Granted, this effects more words than you know, but it makes sense. However, where would we be without words like bouillon, bon-bon, lingerie, and ensemble?
Overall, advice from Emily Post: in order be a charming speaker is having a pleasing voice. Not sure you have one? Her suggestion: singing lessons, even if you can't sing, there is nothing better than singing to teach you how to breath, etc. She is also of the very firm opinion that we, as a nation, do not talk too fast as much as we talk too loud. Which wonderfully is our stereotype. The harshest bit of truth about speech is that a person who has to search for words is not interesting. So, those of us who have problems with vocal expression, need to work on that.
Tips:
*Read; read quality works - there is nothing better to help a person improve thier speech and vocabulary as much as reading.
*Use your dictionary! look up words that you don't know 100%.
Now that we know how to talk, next we will learn the dos and don'ts of prolonged talking with other people: conversations. This should be interesting and useful. Especially for a blunderbuss like me!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Etiquette: Words, Phrases, and Pronunciation
So now that we have learned how to greet people and what to call them, we move on to what to say to them and how to say it.
As always, the number one rule is always politeness. Beyond that, it gets tricky. Nothing can give away a person's so-called "breeding" than how they speak. However, it goes both ways. You can appear snobby by trying to be too sophisticated, and of course, you can show yourself to be quite the idiot by saying the wrong thing. Keeping that in mind, the "old-fashioned" way of saying things may be more formal and out of date, but it certainly more colorful and interesting.
Here are some dos & don't from both sides (keep in mind that these are examples to get the general idea across, not limited rules):
Don't say: Say Instead:
Will you accord me permission? Will you let me? or May I?
Permit me to assist you. Let me help you.
Converse Talk
I recall I remember
Mortician Funeral director
Pardon me! I beg your pardon, excuse me, or I'm sorry
Keeping company with or walking with no equilalent
Drapes curtains
abbreviated words (ex: photo, auto) full words (ex photograph, automobile)
I get most of these rules, but I also included some that I was entertained by. Like Mortician and Drapes - why not use these words? Some of the flowerly language is beautiful to use, but apparently so out of date that people somehow assume that you are being pretentious when using it. Why is that?
Strangely enough the Home vs House debate showed up. As most would agree Home is the sentiment, the feeling, the atmosphere, etc. House is the physical place. What I did not realize is that it is bad taste to call a house a home unless it is your home. Home also can refer to a charitable institution like a Retirement Home, or something like that.
Words to avoid: elegant, refined, dainty, culture. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) Basically, it has to do with pretentiousness; again.
This gets me: Apparently, the term that I so admired, and so wanted to be deemed, "Lady" is also one of those words that even back in 1947, lost its original connotation. The words seems to have deteriorated down to no meaning. It once meant elegance and cultivation, then it meant respectability, and to what we mean now.
Keep in mind: Formal is a synonym for ceremonial. Basically something that is formal follows a set of ritualistic type rules. For example, a formal dinner has a very specific way of progressing - a set of manners that is expected, etc.
As always, the number one rule is always politeness. Beyond that, it gets tricky. Nothing can give away a person's so-called "breeding" than how they speak. However, it goes both ways. You can appear snobby by trying to be too sophisticated, and of course, you can show yourself to be quite the idiot by saying the wrong thing. Keeping that in mind, the "old-fashioned" way of saying things may be more formal and out of date, but it certainly more colorful and interesting.
Here are some dos & don't from both sides (keep in mind that these are examples to get the general idea across, not limited rules):
Don't say: Say Instead:
Will you accord me permission? Will you let me? or May I?
Permit me to assist you. Let me help you.
Converse Talk
I recall I remember
Mortician Funeral director
Pardon me! I beg your pardon, excuse me, or I'm sorry
Keeping company with or walking with no equilalent
Drapes curtains
abbreviated words (ex: photo, auto) full words (ex photograph, automobile)
I get most of these rules, but I also included some that I was entertained by. Like Mortician and Drapes - why not use these words? Some of the flowerly language is beautiful to use, but apparently so out of date that people somehow assume that you are being pretentious when using it. Why is that?
Strangely enough the Home vs House debate showed up. As most would agree Home is the sentiment, the feeling, the atmosphere, etc. House is the physical place. What I did not realize is that it is bad taste to call a house a home unless it is your home. Home also can refer to a charitable institution like a Retirement Home, or something like that.
Words to avoid: elegant, refined, dainty, culture. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) Basically, it has to do with pretentiousness; again.
This gets me: Apparently, the term that I so admired, and so wanted to be deemed, "Lady" is also one of those words that even back in 1947, lost its original connotation. The words seems to have deteriorated down to no meaning. It once meant elegance and cultivation, then it meant respectability, and to what we mean now.
Keep in mind: Formal is a synonym for ceremonial. Basically something that is formal follows a set of ritualistic type rules. For example, a formal dinner has a very specific way of progressing - a set of manners that is expected, etc.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Etiquette (EP): Names
What is in a name?
A lot apparently.
According to Mrs. Post's book - back in the gay 90s (1890s, that is) Charles Dickens ridiculed Americans a little after visiting the US because of some very strict name rules. And yet, the overuse of first names is also something to be warned against.
So here are some rules:
* the "name of safety" for the family is simply what relation they are to you. (my mother, my aunt, etc)
* One should not introduce a spouse as Mr or Mrs - rather by "my husband" or "my wife"
* For close friends and family, it is ok to be call a friend's spouse by their first name, but to employees, mere aquaintances or strangers it is the more formal Mr or Mrs that should be used.
*In general, it is impolite to call people by their first names without having permission to do so - this is especially true for children in regards to adults!
*On the phone, one should always introduces themselves by both names for practical identification reasons, although the invention of caller id made that almost pointless
There apparently is no rule when it comes to refering to in-laws and step-parents. What do you call them? Well, that depends on the person. Some people prefer first names, some titles, and still others (and I think I like this a lot) call them Mother or Father (last name). I don't know why, but I find that so quaint. But I guess hardly anyone uses those names in these days. But I guess it is a bit oxymoronic because it implies a familiar formality (mother or father being the familiar, and the formality being the use of last names).
This one I found interesting - only because I have never really known anyone to do this: No matter what the circumstances are (barring witness protection program etc) if a person legally changes their name, to avoid any possible embarrassing situations, (?? I don't get that) social and/or business associates should be sent an announcement. Post suggests something like this: Mr & Mrs (Last Name) announce that by permission of the Courts they and their children have taken the name of (New Name). Now -I don't know what to make of this. I can understand contacting some business associates in the case of a wedding, but who changes their name unless it is for secrecy purposes? Moreso, can you imagine recieving a note like that these days?
This really isn't discussed in the book - but it is something I have always wondered. We are taught that the most common titles for people are Mr (married or unmarried), Miss or Ms (unmarried), and Mrs (married). I have always been confused and have wondered about this. Mr and Mrs are pretty straight forward. But when does one go from Miss to Ms? Post does not mention Ms at all - so is that a later developement? And is there an age limit?
This, as you can guess, really goes with my ponderings/feelings on being called by my first name in the workplace. Like I said, I hate nametags with my first name printed on them. Wouldn't Miss work just as well? Why do they have to know my first name? I am a pretty casual person, and I don't mind being called by my first name - although no one really does anymore. Only mere aquaintances call me Teresa anymore. Friends mainly call be Teej. Now that I think about it, hardly anyone calls me TJ anymore except for my family.
This is going to lead me off into a tangent, I am sorry. When I was in elementary school, I was Teresa (except for TJ to my family) As I got older, it was half Teresa, half TJ - and then when I was a junior or a senior, suddenly some people began to fuse TJ with some E's in there and it was Teej. When I got to college, I never pushed the name situation, but in a few very short months I went from Teresa (first introductions and to formal people - like professors) to TJ (which was what I told them my nickname was) to Teej again (somehow they just came to that conclusion by themselves as well). Very quickly, that nickname grew on me - and I believe Robert Thomas and Jess Lubbers were the first to start calling me Teejie Weejie. I kinda liked that, so to close friends I quickly became Teejie or back to Teej for short (and somehow more formal). And now, hardly anyone calls me Teresa. It now sounds strange to me. As far as Miss Rankin goes, I have only ever had a few teachers, some telemarkers, and friends in jest call me that. But it does have a nice ring to it. Sorry - like I said; a tangent. But it kinda makes you wonder about the evolution of a name in your life. For some, it doesn't change at all. But I'm not finished, I also have some other nicknames: Mouse, Miz Mouse, or Baby Mouse - these are mostly for mom and dad, and only on paper. Auntie J from the kids - they couldn't get Auntie TJ out, so they fused them together. And there is Fifi (only my sister calls me this & I'm not that fond of it). Grandpa Gaskill called all of us girls "Sug" as in sugar. To this day hearing someone call me that brings a little tear to my eye (God rest his soul, I miss him!). Last and least, to my ex-boyfriend I was Baby Doll (a name which I now can't stand to hear!)
All of that considered - what is in a name? Think about all the different types of names we have for the people in our lives. There is a least 5 that I know of for mom (in english only). What is the real difference between Miss Rankin, Teresa, and Teej - is it just formality? Or is it respect? A mix of the two? And why is it that I perk up when being called Teejie by some people, and for others it is just another name? Why would Miss Rankin sound so wonderful coming from someone, and so cold coming from someone else? If that is the case, then does it really matter what you are called?
Got way off track, but still on the same subject, so I think we're at least relevant. Good night everyone! And if I don't have dreams of naming baby Jesus I will be surprised. Here's why:
A lot apparently.
According to Mrs. Post's book - back in the gay 90s (1890s, that is) Charles Dickens ridiculed Americans a little after visiting the US because of some very strict name rules. And yet, the overuse of first names is also something to be warned against.
So here are some rules:
* the "name of safety" for the family is simply what relation they are to you. (my mother, my aunt, etc)
* One should not introduce a spouse as Mr or Mrs - rather by "my husband" or "my wife"
* For close friends and family, it is ok to be call a friend's spouse by their first name, but to employees, mere aquaintances or strangers it is the more formal Mr or Mrs that should be used.
*In general, it is impolite to call people by their first names without having permission to do so - this is especially true for children in regards to adults!
*On the phone, one should always introduces themselves by both names for practical identification reasons, although the invention of caller id made that almost pointless
There apparently is no rule when it comes to refering to in-laws and step-parents. What do you call them? Well, that depends on the person. Some people prefer first names, some titles, and still others (and I think I like this a lot) call them Mother or Father (last name). I don't know why, but I find that so quaint. But I guess hardly anyone uses those names in these days. But I guess it is a bit oxymoronic because it implies a familiar formality (mother or father being the familiar, and the formality being the use of last names).
This one I found interesting - only because I have never really known anyone to do this: No matter what the circumstances are (barring witness protection program etc) if a person legally changes their name, to avoid any possible embarrassing situations, (?? I don't get that) social and/or business associates should be sent an announcement. Post suggests something like this: Mr & Mrs (Last Name) announce that by permission of the Courts they and their children have taken the name of (New Name). Now -I don't know what to make of this. I can understand contacting some business associates in the case of a wedding, but who changes their name unless it is for secrecy purposes? Moreso, can you imagine recieving a note like that these days?
This really isn't discussed in the book - but it is something I have always wondered. We are taught that the most common titles for people are Mr (married or unmarried), Miss or Ms (unmarried), and Mrs (married). I have always been confused and have wondered about this. Mr and Mrs are pretty straight forward. But when does one go from Miss to Ms? Post does not mention Ms at all - so is that a later developement? And is there an age limit?
This, as you can guess, really goes with my ponderings/feelings on being called by my first name in the workplace. Like I said, I hate nametags with my first name printed on them. Wouldn't Miss work just as well? Why do they have to know my first name? I am a pretty casual person, and I don't mind being called by my first name - although no one really does anymore. Only mere aquaintances call me Teresa anymore. Friends mainly call be Teej. Now that I think about it, hardly anyone calls me TJ anymore except for my family.
This is going to lead me off into a tangent, I am sorry. When I was in elementary school, I was Teresa (except for TJ to my family) As I got older, it was half Teresa, half TJ - and then when I was a junior or a senior, suddenly some people began to fuse TJ with some E's in there and it was Teej. When I got to college, I never pushed the name situation, but in a few very short months I went from Teresa (first introductions and to formal people - like professors) to TJ (which was what I told them my nickname was) to Teej again (somehow they just came to that conclusion by themselves as well). Very quickly, that nickname grew on me - and I believe Robert Thomas and Jess Lubbers were the first to start calling me Teejie Weejie. I kinda liked that, so to close friends I quickly became Teejie or back to Teej for short (and somehow more formal). And now, hardly anyone calls me Teresa. It now sounds strange to me. As far as Miss Rankin goes, I have only ever had a few teachers, some telemarkers, and friends in jest call me that. But it does have a nice ring to it. Sorry - like I said; a tangent. But it kinda makes you wonder about the evolution of a name in your life. For some, it doesn't change at all. But I'm not finished, I also have some other nicknames: Mouse, Miz Mouse, or Baby Mouse - these are mostly for mom and dad, and only on paper. Auntie J from the kids - they couldn't get Auntie TJ out, so they fused them together. And there is Fifi (only my sister calls me this & I'm not that fond of it). Grandpa Gaskill called all of us girls "Sug" as in sugar. To this day hearing someone call me that brings a little tear to my eye (God rest his soul, I miss him!). Last and least, to my ex-boyfriend I was Baby Doll (a name which I now can't stand to hear!)
All of that considered - what is in a name? Think about all the different types of names we have for the people in our lives. There is a least 5 that I know of for mom (in english only). What is the real difference between Miss Rankin, Teresa, and Teej - is it just formality? Or is it respect? A mix of the two? And why is it that I perk up when being called Teejie by some people, and for others it is just another name? Why would Miss Rankin sound so wonderful coming from someone, and so cold coming from someone else? If that is the case, then does it really matter what you are called?
Got way off track, but still on the same subject, so I think we're at least relevant. Good night everyone! And if I don't have dreams of naming baby Jesus I will be surprised. Here's why:
I was searching for an image to put with this entry about names and I came across this. It made me laugh, so I had to include it. Hee!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Etiquette (EP): Greetings & Good-byes
Heres a simple, easy answer to any Introduction that leads to a conversation: "How do you do?" Almost any form of this is acceptable. And, the proper answer is usually in return "how do you do?" Strange isn't it, that we are not actually required to answer this question?
Some generals here:
* Good moring and Good Evening are greetings while usually Good Afternoon and Good Day are farewells. Good-bye and Good Night are mostly just said among friends and family.
* Important! In Church- a person should not greet another unless it is a wedding. Greetings and Good-byes and all unneccessary conversation should be left outside the sanctuary.
* A gentleman stands when revieving a lady and does not sit down until the lady does.
On shaking hands: intimate friends rarely are required to shake hands on meeting. Gentlemen always shake hands with each other - ladies are not required to do so. One should not shakes hands with outdoor gloves on - particularly if it can be removed. Personality in a handshake is key. The ideal is brief, slightly strong, and warm.
The hat question: this is for men only. Remove a hat: in public places like the church or restaurants, in a home, or in the presense of a lady - and obviously, for the national anthem! Lifting the hat: this is for strangers only. In meeting strangers in passing, when returning a dropped object, when offering a seat to a lady (which he always should!) - the situations are too many to name - generally, uf he says "thank you" or "excuse me" it should be accompanied by a tip of the hat. 
Bowing: A formal bow is very distinct, used on public or formal occassions (actors, take note!) - basically clicking the heels (or making the motion of that) as bending at the waist. The informal bow is similar, only done with more ease. A woman's bow is more of an elongated head nod with a smile. Apparently in Europe the man bows first, and in the US a woman is supposed to - although admittedly, no one really follows this rule anymore.
This section is one of those I find fascinating - but one you don't see practiced much anymore. Although a modern day nod is basically our version of the passing bow. Shaking hands hasn't changed as much as bowing. Obviously the whole hat thing has changed greatly. Most men don't wear anything else but baseball caps anymore, and those that do, it seems like less and less have any idea about hat tipping and taking off etiquette. Those that do are mostly cowboys and old men. It seems like that kind of gentlemen is a little ... I don't know arcane (?) these days.
Its not like I haven't seen these practices before. I am a classic movie lover, so yeah, I have seen how people behave throughout the ages - and the glamor of Hollywood made sure the gentlemen and ladies were trained in proper etiquette. So, anyone who has seen anything of old hollywood or period films has an idea of etiquette. Basically we learn by observation. This leads me to wonder: when did this decline start? Or is this really a decline? Maybe it is just a shift. Studying etiquette out of context is really interesting. When I read something like this, I can't help but think how this would seem to someone less aquainted with these "customs."
I know, random thought, but hey.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Etiquette (EP): Introductions
Trust me when I say that I hope this is as complicated as it is going to get.
Introductioons are a little tricky. There is moment in the movie Pygmalion (see review) where the professor drives his pupils to tears as he grilled her on what to call whom in an introduction or a conversation. This is kind of like that. All these rules, and at the end, you get the general idea, but the very specifics are mind boggling when hit with it all at once.
So, I think it wise to point out that I do not intend to reiterate everything from the book. If that is what you want, please go buy the book and you will have everything. I just intend to share some general information and commentary.
First off a couple simple rules:
* younger is introduced to older, less important is introduced to more important, but above all, a gentlemen is presented to a lady (unless in the case of royalty and the like)
* call people by title if possible. For royalty use Your Highness or Your Majesty. For religious affiliations, there are too many to name, but include "Your Emmence" "Your Holiness" and the like. Also tough in religious circles is how treat the various individuals, but mostly it just seems complicated for Catholics and royalty.
* inflection is key - remember it is not always what you say, but the manner in which you say it.
* Do not say: "shake hands with" or "I want to make you aquainted with"
* if you don't know the person's name, it is best not to ask right away, but rather find a third person and ask them later. As this is not always avoidable, when in doubt be polite as you say it.
*on shaking hands: gentlemen always; women choose to extend hand or not, but if a hand is offered, one must shake it.
* on introducing oneself: this is not done unless there is a reason. Like "don't you know mutual aquaintance?" or in general, asking them if they know you or remember you, while giving them your name. The point is to always have a reference for a reason they should know you, otherwise it is presumptuious.
* Important: never ask "you don't remember me, do you?" It is rude to try and put a person in an awkward position.
Introductions certainly seem to have lost their touch these days - but the more that I think about it, I can not remember the last time I was introduced to somebody. For instance, a woman would never consider introducing herself to an unknown man (at least not without bringing a common friend or a link between the two of them) - that would be presumptuous. Also asking people if they know the other person is okay, except that you should never ask a woman if she knows or has met a man. I know this comes from suggestion of scandal to an interest to protect the woman's name, but I guess in this day and age it does seem a little unnecessary.
There is also a little tirad about introducing people by first name only - except for the young to each other. This is a point with which I kind of agree with. I hate wearing a nametag with my first name on it. I'll admit that I am a little old-fashioned about this, but I would rather have the right to decide if someone knows me by my first name of not. I was one of the kids who loved it when I was called Miss Rankin by my teachers. That comes with a certain amount of respect, I felt, and to this day I kind of get a thrill when I hear myself being called "Miss" and not just "Teresa" by strangers. Besides, if I want people to be casual with me, I will tell them what they may call me.
The all important section for me was When to Rise, as this has always been a question of mine. Although, in this section, I will only get part of an answer. I am sure there will be more of these as we go along, but as far as introduction rising goes, this is it: The host family of a party rises on all occassions (unless old) and stay standing until the person is seated. But here is the overall rule: a gentlemen stands as long as the hostess, or any other lady does.
The part that I disagree with most in this section is the Halfway Introduction of a Domestic Employee. Basically it says that you do not introduce them - and if you have to, by first name only, unless the employee has long been in family employ and/or is held with "affectionate esteem" Okay, so I sort of agree with that, but then again, I can't imagine being okay with calling them by their first names towards a stranger. It would just seem too informal and carries a lack of respect. This is kind of in corelation with my thing about nametags.
So, what comes after Introductions? Generally, you want to say "How do you do?" and most will respond with the same phrase, although it is perfectly alright to answer the question before asking it in return. I personally hate it when people ask how you are and then immediately move on before letting a person answer. For some reason, according to Post, one should not answer "Pleased to meet you" or "Charmed" or "Glad to make your acquaintance" Although it does not say for sure why, only that it has gone out of style. After that initial bit of introductions, the rest is up to the art of conversation, which I am sure will be explored later.
Considering how much I left out, this is not bad, but I will leave you with a couple of helpful introduction phrases to try and use other than "this is":
"... may I present ..."
"... I have the honor to present..."
"... I should like to introduce you to ..."
"... I would like you to meet..."
Introductioons are a little tricky. There is moment in the movie Pygmalion (see review) where the professor drives his pupils to tears as he grilled her on what to call whom in an introduction or a conversation. This is kind of like that. All these rules, and at the end, you get the general idea, but the very specifics are mind boggling when hit with it all at once.
So, I think it wise to point out that I do not intend to reiterate everything from the book. If that is what you want, please go buy the book and you will have everything. I just intend to share some general information and commentary.
First off a couple simple rules:
* younger is introduced to older, less important is introduced to more important, but above all, a gentlemen is presented to a lady (unless in the case of royalty and the like)
* call people by title if possible. For royalty use Your Highness or Your Majesty. For religious affiliations, there are too many to name, but include "Your Emmence" "Your Holiness" and the like. Also tough in religious circles is how treat the various individuals, but mostly it just seems complicated for Catholics and royalty.
* inflection is key - remember it is not always what you say, but the manner in which you say it.
* Do not say: "shake hands with" or "I want to make you aquainted with"
* if you don't know the person's name, it is best not to ask right away, but rather find a third person and ask them later. As this is not always avoidable, when in doubt be polite as you say it.
*on shaking hands: gentlemen always; women choose to extend hand or not, but if a hand is offered, one must shake it.
* on introducing oneself: this is not done unless there is a reason. Like "don't you know mutual aquaintance?" or in general, asking them if they know you or remember you, while giving them your name. The point is to always have a reference for a reason they should know you, otherwise it is presumptuious.
* Important: never ask "you don't remember me, do you?" It is rude to try and put a person in an awkward position.
Introductions certainly seem to have lost their touch these days - but the more that I think about it, I can not remember the last time I was introduced to somebody. For instance, a woman would never consider introducing herself to an unknown man (at least not without bringing a common friend or a link between the two of them) - that would be presumptuous. Also asking people if they know the other person is okay, except that you should never ask a woman if she knows or has met a man. I know this comes from suggestion of scandal to an interest to protect the woman's name, but I guess in this day and age it does seem a little unnecessary.
There is also a little tirad about introducing people by first name only - except for the young to each other. This is a point with which I kind of agree with. I hate wearing a nametag with my first name on it. I'll admit that I am a little old-fashioned about this, but I would rather have the right to decide if someone knows me by my first name of not. I was one of the kids who loved it when I was called Miss Rankin by my teachers. That comes with a certain amount of respect, I felt, and to this day I kind of get a thrill when I hear myself being called "Miss" and not just "Teresa" by strangers. Besides, if I want people to be casual with me, I will tell them what they may call me.
The all important section for me was When to Rise, as this has always been a question of mine. Although, in this section, I will only get part of an answer. I am sure there will be more of these as we go along, but as far as introduction rising goes, this is it: The host family of a party rises on all occassions (unless old) and stay standing until the person is seated. But here is the overall rule: a gentlemen stands as long as the hostess, or any other lady does.
The part that I disagree with most in this section is the Halfway Introduction of a Domestic Employee. Basically it says that you do not introduce them - and if you have to, by first name only, unless the employee has long been in family employ and/or is held with "affectionate esteem" Okay, so I sort of agree with that, but then again, I can't imagine being okay with calling them by their first names towards a stranger. It would just seem too informal and carries a lack of respect. This is kind of in corelation with my thing about nametags.
So, what comes after Introductions? Generally, you want to say "How do you do?" and most will respond with the same phrase, although it is perfectly alright to answer the question before asking it in return. I personally hate it when people ask how you are and then immediately move on before letting a person answer. For some reason, according to Post, one should not answer "Pleased to meet you" or "Charmed" or "Glad to make your acquaintance" Although it does not say for sure why, only that it has gone out of style. After that initial bit of introductions, the rest is up to the art of conversation, which I am sure will be explored later.
Considering how much I left out, this is not bad, but I will leave you with a couple of helpful introduction phrases to try and use other than "this is":
"... may I present ..."
"... I have the honor to present..."
"... I should like to introduce you to ..."
"... I would like you to meet..."
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Etiquette (EP) - Introduction
Okay, so I tried this once before, and with little success. I started a blog about working my way through etiquette books. That failed. Why? #1: because I lost the password to my own blogsite and I can't get back to it. Whoops! #2: I tried so hard to force myself into it; it was like homework - something I had to do, and it lost all of its fun. Couple that with getting busy (as I sometimes do) and then there was a couple months where I didn't have the book with me ... well, I sort of began to resent my research project and cast it aside. I know, I know, I am terrible.
So what makes me think this go-around will work out? I don't. But I'm not pressuring myself to get it done; I have the book; and I still have the desire.
"What desire?" you ask. I may have already talked about it before, but here it is again. I have always wanted to be a Lady. When I was little I was fascinated by being proper and good. That little girl inside of me still wishes that. It seems like, in this day and age, there can be no such thing. I mean, really think about it - when is the last time you heard of a real gentleman or a lady? They don't seem to exist anymore - at least not in the way we think of them. Not the old-fashioned tip-your-hat, calling-cards, social-engagements, Mr. -and-Miss, pleased-to-make-your-aquaintance kind of way. There are still vestiges of it in our society (thank God), but with our advancement in equality and human rights, we have also become much more casual. This is not a bad thing, but we've also seemed to lose the charm of those dear days gone by as well.
So, what a girl to do? I admit here and now that I will probably never be a Lady in the way I have always wanted to be. But that leads to a question: how can you be a Lady in today's world? Which leads to a lot of other questions. So, I want to study it. And as I have no access to classes on this sort of thing, I decided to try my own hand at it. And how do you usually start to learn something? You begin with history.
And so, by chance, one day at a flea market I found a copy of Emily Post's "Blue Book of Social Usage": Etiquette. Okay, so this is a far cry from the beginning of subject at hand, but it would be an easier jumping off point for me. A kind of place to begin. From here, depending on what books I can find, I can jump forward in time, or jump back and go further into the social etiquette of different time periods. So really, all of this depends on the availability of textual material.
So we begin with chapter one: "The True Meaning of Etiquette" Right away, I must confess, I am a little prejudice because of the modern day interpretation on what etiquette is. Even my own sister thinks little of what it is beyond the daunting: "which fork" question - and most others see it only as something you need when you are getting married (no kidding, in the etiquette section in most libraries more than 50% of the books have to do with weddings -at least, in my experience).
Post goes head to head with this myth right away and points out that etiquette is more than just a single correct thing to do or say in any particular moment. Etiquette is more like guidelines for the polite - and more than that, it is simply knowledge that has been passed down to us for practical use. She goes further to point out that everyone can benefit from displaying proper, courteous behaviour. Now there is a word that few people think about these days: courteous. Really, it all stems from the desire to be kind to others; to treat them with polite respect. Maybe the problem today is the root of that: people just don't seem to what to do that anymore.
In our advancement, we have come to the idea that respect has to be earned. I don't argue that point completely. But I also do think that everyone is entitled to respect. I know that is contradictory - but it also works well. There is a level of respect that every person deserves - Everyone. Call it common courtesy, I guess. It does not matter how well or how little you know a person, or like them, it shouldn't matter. Everyone deserves to be treated with at least a little dignity. But beyond that, a person has to earn greater respect, which most of the time leads to being liked or loved. You can not like a person at all, despise them, even, but you need to respect them. Unfortunately, most people don't take that attitude. which often stems from misunderstanding and can lead to not so nice things.
Anyway - sorry about the hiatus there. But be prepared for those little sidetrips - I make them a lot.
I particularly like her feeling that etiquette is really " the code of instinctive decency, ethical integrity, self-respect, and loyalty." She also notes that a person should be judged by who they are, not what they have. She also makes a lot of observances that can be boiled down to this simple idea: one has to be willing in spirit to have etiquette. That is half the battle. A person can never be a true lady or gentlemen without wanting to be - and that one should not be self-conscious of the act. So, basically, want to be good without flaunting the fact that you are. (By the by, this is getting to sound more and more like something from the Bible. Is that just me? Well, no one ever called Jesus rude, so maybe there is something to that.) Granted, these things have to be practiced - so you can't be wholly unconscious of it - but the goal is for these polite gestures and ways to become instinctual.
So, *gulp* here we go. Off into the world of Emily Post...
So what makes me think this go-around will work out? I don't. But I'm not pressuring myself to get it done; I have the book; and I still have the desire.
"What desire?" you ask. I may have already talked about it before, but here it is again. I have always wanted to be a Lady. When I was little I was fascinated by being proper and good. That little girl inside of me still wishes that. It seems like, in this day and age, there can be no such thing. I mean, really think about it - when is the last time you heard of a real gentleman or a lady? They don't seem to exist anymore - at least not in the way we think of them. Not the old-fashioned tip-your-hat, calling-cards, social-engagements, Mr. -and-Miss, pleased-to-make-your-aquaintance kind of way. There are still vestiges of it in our society (thank God), but with our advancement in equality and human rights, we have also become much more casual. This is not a bad thing, but we've also seemed to lose the charm of those dear days gone by as well.
So, what a girl to do? I admit here and now that I will probably never be a Lady in the way I have always wanted to be. But that leads to a question: how can you be a Lady in today's world? Which leads to a lot of other questions. So, I want to study it. And as I have no access to classes on this sort of thing, I decided to try my own hand at it. And how do you usually start to learn something? You begin with history.
And so, by chance, one day at a flea market I found a copy of Emily Post's "Blue Book of Social Usage": Etiquette. Okay, so this is a far cry from the beginning of subject at hand, but it would be an easier jumping off point for me. A kind of place to begin. From here, depending on what books I can find, I can jump forward in time, or jump back and go further into the social etiquette of different time periods. So really, all of this depends on the availability of textual material.
So we begin with chapter one: "The True Meaning of Etiquette" Right away, I must confess, I am a little prejudice because of the modern day interpretation on what etiquette is. Even my own sister thinks little of what it is beyond the daunting: "which fork" question - and most others see it only as something you need when you are getting married (no kidding, in the etiquette section in most libraries more than 50% of the books have to do with weddings -at least, in my experience).
Post goes head to head with this myth right away and points out that etiquette is more than just a single correct thing to do or say in any particular moment. Etiquette is more like guidelines for the polite - and more than that, it is simply knowledge that has been passed down to us for practical use. She goes further to point out that everyone can benefit from displaying proper, courteous behaviour. Now there is a word that few people think about these days: courteous. Really, it all stems from the desire to be kind to others; to treat them with polite respect. Maybe the problem today is the root of that: people just don't seem to what to do that anymore.
In our advancement, we have come to the idea that respect has to be earned. I don't argue that point completely. But I also do think that everyone is entitled to respect. I know that is contradictory - but it also works well. There is a level of respect that every person deserves - Everyone. Call it common courtesy, I guess. It does not matter how well or how little you know a person, or like them, it shouldn't matter. Everyone deserves to be treated with at least a little dignity. But beyond that, a person has to earn greater respect, which most of the time leads to being liked or loved. You can not like a person at all, despise them, even, but you need to respect them. Unfortunately, most people don't take that attitude. which often stems from misunderstanding and can lead to not so nice things.
Anyway - sorry about the hiatus there. But be prepared for those little sidetrips - I make them a lot.
I particularly like her feeling that etiquette is really " the code of instinctive decency, ethical integrity, self-respect, and loyalty." She also notes that a person should be judged by who they are, not what they have. She also makes a lot of observances that can be boiled down to this simple idea: one has to be willing in spirit to have etiquette. That is half the battle. A person can never be a true lady or gentlemen without wanting to be - and that one should not be self-conscious of the act. So, basically, want to be good without flaunting the fact that you are. (By the by, this is getting to sound more and more like something from the Bible. Is that just me? Well, no one ever called Jesus rude, so maybe there is something to that.) Granted, these things have to be practiced - so you can't be wholly unconscious of it - but the goal is for these polite gestures and ways to become instinctual.
So, *gulp* here we go. Off into the world of Emily Post...
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